Open Letter To Rangi Wallace Whakaruru, Orifice of The Maori king

Dear Rangi,

You must be working so hard lately, with all the organizing that you have to do for the “Hypocrite king of Huntly” – writing all his letters, organizing confidential submissions, eating at lavish dinners, making sure he gets to the casino on time etc, the list could go on for pages. However Rangi, just pause for a moment from your hectic schedule and ponder. Ponder for a minute and think about that knock at the door. The knock at the door in the near future when the auditor comes calling. The auditor is on his way Rangi, and he’s bringing a whole team of forensic accountants, computer analysts, and tax investigators. They will be demanding answers Rangi. Remember that these bounty hunters receive bonuses for whatever they uncover so they have built in incentives to be over-zealous. No stone will be left unturned. Not only will they go over everything in minute detail at the “Orifice of the king” they’ll take a microscope over your own personal finances and uncover every little-biddy thing that you managed to hide and forget about over the last ten years, at least. By the way, have you sorted out that matter of the $250,000 bill that you owe the tax department Rangi?

Rangi, you know very well what they’ll find. They’ll find out about millions of dollars taken from the ordinary people of Tainui, millions of dollars that the “Orifice of the Maori king” has not properly accounted for. You know very well that the Hypocrite king has had a very merry Christmas every day of the week but he has not declared any of these millions of dollars as income as the law requires him to do. Who will face the accusations of misappropriation? Who will be blamed for fraud?

Rangi ask yourself which way will the finger be pointed when the auditor asks the hard hard questions. Who will take the blame? You can’t expect the Maori king to take responsibility for his own foolishness, do you? That would be a bad look, wouldn’t it?

You’ll definitely get fined. You’re going jail Rangi. They like nancy boys like you in the prison. The other crims will think Christmas has come early when they see you arrive. Don’t take it personally though. They’ll only use you to satisfy their physiological needs. Knowing you, you’ll probably enjoy it.

We have a solution Rangi. Go and grab a whole bunch of confidential documents and emails from the last few years and make photocopies. The ones that clearly pin the blame on ‘someone else’. Put these copies in a special manilla folder and put it away in a special place for safekeeping. This is your insurance policy for when the ‘bounty hunters’ come calling. DO THIS NOW! When the auditor wants answers, you’ll tell him that you want to meet in private. You’ll produce your secret files and voila! You get off scott free Rangi. Instead of jail, you get to go for holidays in Rarotonga staying at Tuku’s beachfront villas!

Do yourself a favour Rangi and save yourself before its too late.


The team at Eraka’s blog. Tainui’s number #1 blog.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Charlie B
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 18:28:08

    I believe our actions throughout each person’s life is recorded in one of gods mansions in the cosmos. We cannot secretly screw people over, here on planet earth and think the memory banks of our souls will not record it.

    All actions will be accounted for in the afterlife. What we each choose to do with our lives every day and the nature of our character that emerges from all our trials and tribulations determines which path our souls take after we depart Gods special planet. Karma is the final balancing act and we all get what we deserve which may not be what we desire?

    So perhaps it is time to call in the Seriously Fu*ked Orifice and they will give these crooks an emema that will cleanse all the shite going on within this unhappy group of bumbling misfits.

    They will be so busy dobbing each other that eventually the whole bunch of vipers will be drowned in an avalanche of shit 10ft high and whether Tainui survives as a serious entity remains to be seen.

    They have unseen forces that view them as upstarts and ready to take them apart because of colour, ethnicity and stupidity. Stupidity you can deal with colour and ethnicity is another story. It is a bloody shame!


  2. Tommy Tuungaroa
    Nov 30, 2012 @ 08:44:53

    Has this been sent to Rangi? If not it be good that it was, but then again it would be nice for the editor of this letter to read it to him.


  3. JP
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 12:05:09

    yes send this to Rangi ask about the car storage place near Auckland airport – who paid for that! and for when the king ‘stored’ his car!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: